He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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