tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
