someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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