normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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