I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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