Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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