I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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