Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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