im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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