weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
