He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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