no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
