Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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