He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
