she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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