Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
