Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
