I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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