What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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