I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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