I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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