who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
