Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
