my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
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