My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
