dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
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the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
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I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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