I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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