Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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