She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
This is my gift to your gina
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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