living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
