whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can you bring me the toilet please
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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