my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm just crazy horny about you
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
