You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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