i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
