You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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