why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
