I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
