i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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