he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
