hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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