whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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