I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
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nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
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Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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