update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
