I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
