well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
