Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
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Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
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how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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