hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
