Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
