I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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