if i can run in heels then i can drive
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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