the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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