It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
