'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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