How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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