new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
