see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
