I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
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I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.