3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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